RINGMASTER

BETH will undertake an act rarely performed in public. In fact, you will be among the first to see it.
(Signaling Drum-roll)

Now, I wouldn’t hold your breath as Beth attempts what is a high-wire act: to envision what goes on in the mind of a CEO as they agree to a private equitv deal. It can get a little windy.

RINGMASTER puts down a strip of tape on the floor. BETH prepares to jump onto the high wire, which is a piece of tape on the floor. As BETH hesitates, RINGMASTER signals silencing of drumroll.

BETH

Before you even talk about the decision-making that goes on in a private equity deal, there’s a small detail. How do private equity firms get all this money to begin with to buy, say a nursing home? They set up a private ‘fund’ for high-paying folks, it’s not a publicly traded firm. And you need buckets of money. Possibly inherited wealth, at least to begin with for anyone entering that room.  Okay, so, let’s listen in on that decision-making process. There’s a private equity firm on the line. I’m the CEO and major shareholder in the nursing home business I began. I’ve been thinking it’s time to sell. Wait, isn’t this another word for leveraged buyout? I’ve heard that’s dicey.

BETH grabs the balancing pole from RINGMASTER, who signals drumroll. BETH takes a moment, bends, focusing on the ‘high wire.’ As she succeeds in leaping onto the high wire, drumroll stops. Beth takes time to balance, swaying a bit.

BETH

Let’s see, do I listen to my conscience?

(leaning to the right side).

I want to make sure if I sell my business, it falls into good hands. I care about my employees. 
(leaning to the left side, then straightening up to explain, walking a few steps forward.)

Because as anyone must know by now, the private equity firm buying your business is going to buy low, restructure, sell high, And the Private Equity firm is basically out to maximize profits, in other words gut the business in order to squeeze profit. That’s where the restructuring comes in.

But…what exactly do you mean by restructuring? 

Beth wobbles a bit, before straightening up, and taking a few steps forward to explain).
And here’s how that works. Using the funds from investors to jack up the prices of the shares, the private equity firm gets the original owner to take out a loan for the business to make the so-called improvements by restructuring.

(Wobbling)

What do you mean, improvements? And what is this restructuring? It’s all so opaque.

Ohhhh-  laying off workers and… and making the remaining workers more ‘productive’. But what does that mean? My workers have made the business what it is.

The private equity firm cuts a deal with the owner so they will be able to walk away– while leaving the business indebted. 

But… back to the question of my employees. What will they have to endure? 

What’s that you say?
(wobbling with indecision)
After the restructuring, I can walk away without any liability and with a great retirement package? 

Beth groans with the weight of the decision, leaning right and then left, and finally to the right, selecting the retirement package. She leaps from the high-wire with a flourish.

BETH

(Brushing her hands clean.)
It was uh… a tough decision after all those years of building a business, thanks to the hard work of employees, but… that retirement package! Oh, well as long as I don’t have to do the firing and don’t have to watch the employees walk out with boxes, crying.  And I don’t have to see how it plays out when an entire team is reduced to a skeleton crew. And I couldn’t bear it if there were a loss of quality in care for our residents. There’s Daisy, who loves a joke. One hundred and two last year. And Denzel, our resident historian. He’s a little unsteady on the feet but on firm ground with any facts.

RINGMASTER

Let’s show our appreciation for Beth, who made it to the end without falling flat on her face.
(Applause). A little windy, but she made it.

IVY approaches, pulling up her bloomers. She grabs the balancing pole, and screws on a broom to one end of what is a broom handle. She Brushes BETH away, impatient to sum it up.

IVY

(Putting on the clown nose)
So, this is actually a clown act, people.
(Watching BETH walk away)
Hey, I’m not playing the clown alone.

(Pointing at BETH, who puts on a clown nose and returns to the ring.)

IVY

Let’s quit with the long winded explanation. We know what happens. People are gonna die. So, thanks to Beth, we saw how the original owner who decided to take the deal walks away unscathed with the retirement package. But what happens to the people if the nursing home gets bought up in a private equity deal?
Anyone?

RINGMASTER

You tell it, Ivy. You work as a care-giver. What happens to the residents in a nursing home?

IVY

So, when the nursing home where I work as a care-giver changed hands, despite the shiny new name on the sign, the new owners cut costs, beginning with staffing hours. And how do you think that so called restructuring thing plays out?

Bending over so her clown bloomers face the audience, IVY looks around, craning her neck to spot someone to help.

IVY

Where is everyone? I need help with my bath.

Beth plays around with invisibility, trying to stay behind IVY as IVY turns in different directions.

BETH

And it’s not just nursing homes. The same type of firm ruins grocery stores.Takes over vet clinics, dental offices, and gyms. Private prisons, too.  You wouldn’t know it, but you might be saying to yourself. Why is everything different? Employees I knew are either gone or looking miserable. Hmmm.
Price hikes, deteriorating conditions, and poor service. All signs of a buyout. Private equity mantra: buy low, restructure, sell high. Extract value from the economy for the wealthy.

Beth turns around so she is back-to-back with Ivy.

BETH

Twenty percent of businesses purchased in a private equity deal go bankrupt. And who do you suppose is paying for that?

Ivy and Beth collide, each of them jettisoned forward into a somersault.

RINGMASTER

Will you look at that! I’ll wager this is the first time this act has been aired in public.

Participants chatter, criticizing the act.